Fine Dining


J - "You look fantastic."

B - "Told you. Still living in squalid poverty, I see."

J - "It's clean."

B - "Most people tidy up a bit when they're expecting company."

J - "I did."

B - "Jesus, that's frightening."

J - "Shut up."

B - "How about if we call it an early
graduation present, and you let me buy some new furniture and then I'll set fire to all of this crap."

J - "No."

B - "Just no?"

J - "No thank you."

B - "You're killin' me, here."

J - "I think you'll live."

B - "As long as I don't sit on anything."

J - "You're so fucking prissy."

B - "I could have the cleaning service come over a couple of times a week..."

J - "No way!"

B - "Every other week...Once a month?...Come on, throw me a bone here!"

J - "Forget it."

B - "It's like a third world country in here."

J - "For pete's sake, you're as bad as Emmett. He queened out all over the place. 'Baby, how can you LIVE like this, it's a tragedy! A travesty!'"

B - "When was Emmett here?"

J - "Couple of weeks ago. I did a piece for that charity auction thing he's in charge of."

B - "More naked pictures of me for the public to bid on? Shouldn't I have been informed? Asked to sign a waiver or something?"

J - "You know I am capable of doing stuff without homoerotic content."

B - "Yeah, but...why would you?"

J - "I'm not saying I do it, just that I'm capable of it."

B - "Well, duly noted. So am I going to be featured in the show or what?"

J - "Maybe not you exactly. I was experimenting; a little post-post-modern indulgence."

B - "So I'm like, represented by an end table or something like that?"

J - "Yeah, something like that."

B - "You're pretty when you smile."

J - "Brian..."

B - "What? You are...You're kinda cute when you're speechless too."

J - "God, you...confound me."

B - "Damn, where is that SAT vocabulary guide when you need it?"

J - "I'd offer you a drink, but something tells me you're too delicate for my fine china."

B - "I shudder to think. What is it--old turpentine jars from the local hardware store?"

J - "I should have just told you to drive up and lay on the horn."

B - "Mmm, I like that. Sounds vaguely pornographic."

J - "Only to you. Come on, let's go."


J - "I hope there isn't a repeat of the last time you went on a date."

B - "Michael has a big fucking mouth."

J - "Yours is more talented though."

B - "And you would know this how?"

J - "A bold assumption on my part, that's all."

B - "Mmm hmm."

J - "Do I like endive?"

B - "Yeah. But you won't like their house dressing--it's got bleu cheese in it. Get the Italian. And if you order a steak well done, I will take off my shoe and stuff it down your throat for all these fancy people to see."

J - "Bitch, bitch, bitch."

B - "Hey, head back to the bathroom."

J - "No way, I am not fucking you in the bathroom..."

B - "No, Jesus. I'm staying here. You make a tour through the dining room to the bathroom, and when you come back I want your best guess for the most flaming closet case here."

J - "Oh...okay. What do I win if I'm right?"

B - "My undying respect and admiration."

J - "Mm. How about this lobster appetizer instead?"

B - "Instead?"

J - "My bad. In addition to."

B - "Don't purr at me in public or I will fuck you in the bathroom. Go."


J - "Cheap gray suit, blue shirt, red striped tie. Really fat wife"

B - "Excellent, Sonnyboy. What tipped you off?"

J - "He sucked my dick in the bathroom when I was here last week."

B - "Yeah, right. If you could afford one of these dinners, you wouldn't be living in The Tenement Suites."

J - "Would you give it a rest? It's the fucking Taj Mahal as far as I'm concerned 'cause it's all mine. Did you order the appetizer?"

B - "As a show of faith, I did."

J - "Mmm, yum. You didn't accidentally fuck the waiter, did you?"

B - "Michael has a big mouth."

J - "That's the consensus around here."

B - "Our waiter, I'm sad to say, has tested one too many buerre blanc sauces. Definitely not on tonight's menu."

J - "Hmm, maybe I should forget dessert, huh?"

B - "I don't think so. I'm in mortal danger of a puncture wound from one of your bony ribs as it is."

J - "Somebody's awfully presumptuous for a first date."

B - "When I chastely hug you good night at the door."

J - "You're cute when you're delusional."

B - "I am never cute."

J - "Right, right. Cute is for puppies."

B - "And Mikey."

J - "Right. Hey, I saw that article in OutPitt. You totally dressed him for that picture, didn't you?"

B - "You can imagine the horror had he been left to his own devices. Some day I'm breaking into his place and burning his entire wardrobe. Maybe let him keep a couple of pairs of jeans, but that's it. Then I'll take my flame thrower over to your pad to play."

J - "Uh huh. Control much?"

B - "It's not about control, it's about...aesthetics. An artist like you should appreciate that."

J - "It's about you forcing your aesthetic onto others. We artists hate that."

B - "It's about helping people who won't help themselves."

J - "Whatever. That after-school comic thing sounds like a great idea. Did the article generate some interest?"

B - "A little. No cash though."

J - "Maybe the publisher will come through."

B - "Maybe."

J - "You know, they did something similar in Detroit, except it was with local chefs and an old restaurant. They got a bunch of
restaurants to donate food and equipment and it's still really successful. Maybe Michael and Ben could get some other writers and publishers interested."

B - "Mm."

J - "God...sorry. I promised myself I wasn't going to do that."

B - "Sorry? Do what?"

J - "Stick my nose in. Try for...more."

B - "More?"

J - "Yeah, you know, more details, more...involvement. More. I need to, like, appreciate what I get and not always wish it was more."

B - "You think that's what went wrong before?"

J - "Part of it."

B - "So this time out, you're just gonna swallow whatever shit I'm happy to dole out?"

J - "No. Ethan was just so...nice to me. He liked me; respected me. It was like, everything about me mattered to least a little. I want that. I want to, like, be happy with what I get, but that's, like, already assuming I get what I need. Does that make sense?"

B - "I think it does. You haven't been reading self-help books in your free time, have you?"

J - "What's free time? I...uh...did go see a counselor at school a couple of times."

B - "You did? Why?"

J - "Ethan has all these friends, you know? This big crowd, and they hang out and go to movies and play music and talk art and politics and stupid tv shows, and I felt so fucking uncomfortable with them. Like I was suffocating, uncomfortable. I'd be sitting there, and I felt like I was going to die or something. And I finally figured out, I kind of felt that way all the time--at school or at work, it's like...I can't make friends anymore, like, maybe I forgot how or something. So I went to a counselor."

B - "What did they say?"

J - "Not much. Mostly it was just me running at the mouth. Nothing new, right? It's not like I was ever one of those people who had tons of friends anyway. In high school there was Daphne. Before that, Robbie Miller, but I think he just came over 'cause we had a pool. The counselor thought most of it was PTSD from the bashing and he gave me these, like, exercises to try and get me to open up to people..."

B - "Did you do any of them."

J - "No. Ethan left for Italy, and I didn't have to see his friends anymore. I got a second job and just quit thinking about it."

B - "So what kind of exercises were they?"

J - "Stuff like...go to the library and sit at a table where someone else is sitting, then ask them a question about something. Go to the cafeteria and ask someone in line about the food, stuff like that. And I don't even have a problem with any of that anyway. It's not like I'm afraid to talk to people, I just can't seem to get past anything superficial. I don't know, I think I was just, maybe, jealous. Feeling a little sorry for myself."

B - "About what?"

J - "It all seems so easy for Ethan--he's just so easy with people. And people are drawn to him and want to be around him. And...I don't and Michael, it's got to be safe to be so known to someone. Like, you can't ever really be totally hidden because they know you so well. I guess maybe I wanted to feel like I could have that with someone."

B - "Daphne?"

J - "No. We're not really like that. We never were."

B - "Maybe you could go offer to take Mr. Closet Case shopping and develop a deep abiding friendship with him."

J - "Yeah, there's an idea., I guess everyone's excited about that New York trip, right? Are you going to take some extra days off or anything? I bet Deb will love it. She and Emmett can go to Tiffany's. She's going, right? She and Ben are, like, okay now, aren't they?"

B - "Justin."

J - "What?"

B - "I like you. You matter to me."

J - "Brian..."

B - "And I know you."

J - "Brian..."

B - "And you know that whispering my name in public like that is a very, very dangerous thing."

J - "Maybe you're not the only one who likes to play with fire."

B - "Maybe not. Now let go of my hand. Dinner's here."

J - "Let go of your...You're the one holding my hand. Hey! This steak is still mooing!"

B - "It'll go great with your whine."

J - "If I get e-coli, I'm gonna..."

B - "That's only from ground beef. Here, eat this."

J - "I can cut my own meat, thank you."

B - "It's good, isn't it? Better than the leather boot you usually order."

J - "Yeah, it's good. Mmmm, and I do like endive."

B - "See, I know you."

J - "Yeah, I guess you do."


J - "So, you want to come up?"

B - "Was someone in to fumigate while we were at dinner?"

J - "On second thought, maybe we should just shake hands and call it an evening."

B - "Shake hands? That hors d'oeuvre alone cost me a week's salary. You owe me a hell of a lot more than a handshake."

J - "Emmett says a girl doesn't have to put out just because a gentleman buys her dinner."

B - "Really? I hadn't heard that. Lucky for me, tight-assed pretty boys do."

J - "Oh. I hadn't heard that."

B - "Not really my problem. Hey, half of these cd's are mine."

J - "They are not! You always do that...every time you like some of my music you think it must be yours!"

B - "Here, this one will do. I'm surprised you don't have an 8-track player."

J - "What's that?"

B - "Don't make me spank you. Not when we have a little payback goin' on. I miss you having to dance for your dinner."

J - "So one little lap dance and I'm all paid up?"

B - "One little lap dance pays for the gas to the restaurant."

J - "Jeez. Inflation's a bitch."

B - "You're the one who wants to pay his own way."

J - "Funny how you're the only one who wants to take everything out in trade."

B - "Not the only one who wants to, just the only one bold enough to demand it."

J - "And the only one beautiful enough to get his way?"

B - "Not for me to say."

J - "Hah, but you would!"

B - "Dance, Pretty Boy."

J - "Bossy."

B - "How long since you and Ethan made love? Ah ah, keep dancing."

J - "Brian..."

B - "How long? I wanna know how tight your ass is gonna be...What's wrong?"

J - "Don't make fun of it, okay? It was...I don't want...just...don't make fun, okay?"

B - "Hey, hey, I won't."

J - "He wasn't a...a place filler or, or an excuse to make you jealous."

B - "I've got it. I know. Hey, maybe I've got a big mouth, too, you know? Maybe that's why sex is better than talking for me, right?"

J - "No. I want both. So much for me wanting what I get, right? I want all of it."

B - "I'll try."

J - "Okay. I'm done with the talking thing now. You?"

B - "Oh yeah, lead the way. Do we set out rat traps or anything before we turn in for the night?"

J - "No, really, I'm done with the talking thing. Shut up."

B - "Bossy. I kind of like it. Oof! Hey, no pushing...What the hell are you laughing at?"

J - "Nothing, it's just...Brian Kinney fucking on a futon. It's funny!"

B - "Why?"

J - "It just is."

B - "Roll over."

J - "Ahhh, I'd almost forgotten that romantic soul of yours."

B - "Bullshit, you forgot. I was always there."

J - "Egomaniac."

B - "Sing it, Baby."

J - "Make me."


B - "We're going to try this again."

J - "Are you asking me or telling me?"

B - "What do you think?"

J - "I don't have any functioning brain cells right now."

B - "Then my work here is done."

J - "Mmm, don't go."

B - "Do you have enough ammonia on hand so I can take a bath in the morning?"

J - "Shut up."

B - "Can I at least spring for new sheets if we're gonna have slumber parties over here?"

J - "No."

B - "Just no?"

J - "No thank you."

B - "You're killin' me here."

J - "You'll be fine."

B - "I suppose the contrast between my place and yours will be embarrassing enough to cause a change of heart."

J - "And when you change your mind, I won't make fun of you at all, I promise."

B - "You're asking for it now, Sonnyboy."

J - "Don't! Don't! Quit it! I hate that!"

B - "You're a brave young man, taking me on one more time."

J - "Brave, self-destructive, insane. You too."

B - "Why do it?"

J - "Why not?"

B - "I'm serious? Why in the hell are you willing to give me another chance?"

J - "You stalk me at the SaveMart, wine and dine me, fuck me within an inch of my life, order us back together, and now you're stopping to ask for my input?"

B - "Just covering all my bases. Answer the question."

J - "Because I can't not give you another chance."

B - "That's not an answer."

J - "What do you want me to say? You had me at roll over, Brian. You had me at roll over."

B - "You're pretty when you smile."

J - "So are you."


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