Rated R for language and S for shmoopyness, I don't know what happened here :P
Many, many thanks to shape5 for the excellent beta and the title and to paddies for being there for me as usual. MWAH to you both!
Dedicated to dmb_dragonfly and claireyfairy1, because I can. :)
Sometimes, when all circumstances are right, Brian Kinney allows his mind to wander freely, to explore territories it usually never dares to venture into. The requirements needed are the following: Brian has to be tired, but not so much that he can barely think at all. A combination of alcohol and a good, hard fuck usually do the trick, although the pun isn’t quite right in this situation.
The only thing Brian had tonight was wine and Justin, and Justin lost trick status a very long time ago. Speaking of whom, Justin has to be sleeping next to Brian, just like almost every night, just as he is now. He is curled up against Brian’s chest, breathing open mouthed and snoring softly, his frame moving in a slow rhythm. Having Justin beside him calms Brian further, as does the fact that everything at work is running the way it should.
He never thought he’d be this calm, relaxed and satisfied at this point of his life, and he wonders what he has achieved so far, what the world one day will remember him by.
There once was a time when Brian Kinney wanted nothing more than to be known as the hottest guy in all gay Pittsburgh, hell, in all gay America, if possible. He achieved the first part, alright, and wonders what he really got out of it other than hundreds and hundreds of fast, nameless fucks. Not to be ungrateful, he enjoyed the majority of them - but it’s not exactly what he wants his son to be proud of one day.
“My dad fucked more men than any of your mothers together,” he sees an older version of Gus telling his classmates on his Graduation Day and doubts they’ll celebrate him for being an old, promiscuous fag’s offspring.
But Gus himself is definitely something Brian is proud of, having a child (a smart and beautiful one, no less) was maybe the wisest decision he ever made. What started out as jerking off into a cup somehow turned into something so much more. Brian is excited about seeing Gus grow up, more than he’d ever tell anyone, although Justin surely knows, maybe Lindsay does, too. But it’s true: Gus gives him the chance to relive parts of his own fucked up youth and to make it better for both of them. Brian is proud to help raise a son who'll one day be a tolerant, open minded and, of course, extremely handsome human being. At least that’s what he hopes Gus will one day become, and he is willing to help him turn into that man.
Kinnetik, his other baby, is another thing people might remember him by. It’s not only the name that points directly to him, but the entirely new and unusual concept of the company speaks the Kinney language, and Brian knows for sure that this very special flavour is what makes Kinnetik and its branches the most successful ad firm in all Pittsburgh - and New York.
Brian is also a good friend, a fact he sometimes underestimates. But it’s also some kind of achievement, isn’t it? When Michael tells him he loves him, he comes back with his generic response too often, instead of really taking the words in. Michael wouldn’t love him without reason, and although Brian still isn’t really sure about the why and how, he has learned to accept it and let himself be loved.
He has learned it over the years. He knows he is loved by so many, and he is man enough now to love them back.
Maybe that is his biggest achievement of all. To become the man he fought so many years to turn into. And to have the guts to eventually recognize and accept it. Embrace it, even.
Justin stirs in his sleep and Brian watches him move, watches him reach out for his hand and lick his lips unconsciously. Brian smiles a little, he can't help himself. Justin and Gus are both the main reason for his crow’s feet.
Brian still doesn’t move, but Justin wakes up anyway, somehow sensing Brian’s gaze on him.
“Brian,” he mutters, voice full of sleep. “Stop pondering.”
“I’m not,” Brian protests lamely, knowing it is completely useless arguing with Justin. Justin, who is a big fat fucking success, who managed what Brian couldn’t and outdid him somewhere along the way and is now the hottest man in all gay America, who is wanted by almost everyone but still only wants Brian. And Brian is okay with it. He is proud of him. And not only that: he is letting him know, too. Not on a daily basis, not by some mushy declarations, but in his own way. And Justin understands.
“Yeah,” Justin says in a tone that is supposed to sound slightly offended, only he is too sleepy to pull it off, “as if I can’t tell.”
Brian murmurs something unintelligible and feels Justin shifting in his arms, turning around until they are facing each other. Justin looks at him for several moments and then closes his eyes, his hand finding Brian’s cock, stroking it to life ever so slowly.
Brian closes his eyes, too, and now his mind switches to stand-by mode. He stops thinking about his life and achievements and enjoys Justin’s gentle caresses instead, anticipating every squeeze and tug he knows will follow, every stroke and touch he has felt a thousand times already but still get him again and again and again.
After he comes, Justin bends down and licks him clean. Justin moves back up and kisses him, and when Brian feels his and Justin’s taste on his tongue, blending together so perfectly, he knows he has handled it all pretty well so far and there is nothing he really has to worry about.
“Better now?” Justin whispers eventually.
“Good. You’d better get some sleep instead of spending your last night as a thirty-something pondering the meaning of life. It might make you freak out.”
“As if. You're the drama queen, remember?”
Justin nods knowingly and turns around again.
Brian kisses his back and spoons him. He knows Justin is right. Brian knows that nobody, not even the great Brian Kinney, can stay young and beautiful and attractive and irresistible forever, despite what Michael promised him ten years ago. But Brian also knows that there are exceptions, that he will always be all these things to those people who really matter to him. And right now, that’s all he needs to know.