The Love Song of Brian A. Kinney

Juteux

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Words surround you like an ocean. You were brought up and cultured in a society that placed enormous importance on them. In class, you were graded on how well you could speak, how well you could translate your thoughts into words on paper. You diligently learned the vocabulary lists for the SATs. You were taught the sanctity of wedding vows. You were taught that words were all you had, and every day your parents said ďI love youĒ to each other, so you thought that was what really mattered. If someone said it, they meant it, right?

You think about all the words Brian has given you. Every fuck you and twat and princess and yes and harder and oh god, Justin. Every barked command, every gently whispered promise, every joke, every sarcastic comeback, every concerned question in the middle of the night, every bored phone call, every appraisal of your perfect ass - but never, never ever the words you were supposed to hear.

Well, your parents got divorced, and you never use most of the words you learned for the SATs, anyway.

Why did you go so long, thinking that words were so important? Why was a fight never resolved until Brian said Iím sorry, even though heíd been up half the night getting stone drunk because of it? Why did Ethanís words win you over, those pretty words whispered on pretty lips, when he couldnít even kiss you right and never understood why you liked Yellow Submarine so much? Why did every I love you from Ethan sound vaguely triumphant, as if heíd won some sort of contest? And why did every I love you from Ethan make you flinch? Wasnít that what you had wanted all along?

The loft is empty, quiet. You and Brian spend the summer sitting on the floor, reading, talking, but itís more than that. The words are simply a cover for what you are really saying to each other. Itís every shared peach, you laughing as you eat more than your half. Itís every argument over the crossword puzzle in the paper, every tickle fight that ends in sex, every warm kiss on your forehead that means more than I love you ever could. You think, these are our words.

Maybe one day Brian will say the words. Maybe, he wonít. But there is time for you and time for him. For now, you have his lips on yours, his hand on your skin, his smile. And Brian manages to say everything he could never say out loud. For now, itís enough. And in the meantime, you are not afraid to wait.

-fin-