EPISODES' RECAPS

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Season One Recap | Season Two Recap | Season Three Recap
by Keira (aka bigboobedcanuck)

Season One

Episode One

Selfish and cocky Brian, his best friend Michael, and their pals Ted and Emmett spend the night at their usual haunt, Babylon (a dance club filled with lots of pretty, half-naked men). Brian ditches the boys when he spots blond and beautiful Justin, a seventeen-year-old who is looking to lose his virginity. Brian takes the nervous Justin back to his insanely gorgeous loft where he teaches him a few things about sex, and drugs that aren’t prescribed by a pharmacist. They’re interrupted by a phone call from Melanie, informing Brian that Lindsay (his college friend and Melanie’s partner) has given birth to his son (via artificial insemination).

Brian tries to send Justin packing, but Justin finally reveals that he’s only seventeen and is supposed to be staying at a friend’s. They pick up Michael and head over to the hospital, where Brian meets his newborn son, Gus. Afterwards, Brian turns into a huge drama queen and laments the rapidly passing years. He then takes enough E to kill a horse and takes Justin home. Brian has sex with him, showing more patience and kindness than one might expect. The next morning, he and Michael (who is in unrequited love with Brian), take an embarrassed, yet defiant Justin to school in Brian’s vandalized Jeep, which now reads, “FAGGOT” in florescent pink. Love-struck Justin wants to know when he can see Brian again, but Brian tells him never. Little does he know…


Episode Two

Justin comes out to his cool and supportive best friend, Daphne. He also waxes poetic about Brian and does his best impression of a smitten schoolgirl. Meanwhile, Brian has continued on his merry way (which involves a lot of casual sex with strangers). Michael, an assistant manager at a Wal-Mart-like chain store, nicknamed The Big Q, gets set up on a date with Tracy, a sweet co-worker. Closeted Michael goes out with Tracy and his boorish co-workers to a sports bar where he tries to fit in.

Melanie and Lindsay ask Brian to sign a million-dollar life insurance policy for his son. Peter Pan does not take the request well. Later, out at the bar Woody’s, Brian is annoyed to see Justin. He leaves and Michael ends up taking petulant Justin to the Liberty Diner, where Michael’s flamboyant mother Debbie works. Justin later shows up unannounced at Brian’s loft, where Brian is waiting for a trick. Brian blows Justin off (figuratively), but the trick guilts him into going after the kid. Out on the street, Brian tries to explain to a heartbroken Justin that he doesn’t do relationships or love. We’ll file that under “words, famous last.”


Episode Three

Brian, who interrupts Gus’ bris, insisting that his son not be circumcised, further strains Lindsay and Melanie’s relationship. He does agree to the insurance policy, though. Emmett dates a Japanese man who doesn’t speak English and who is actually a prostitute waiting to get paid. Michael runs into Tracy on Liberty, but still pretends he’s straight. Shempy, unconfident Ted (who holds a torch for Michael) gets hit on by young and cute Blake, but refuses to believe Blake is actually interested.

Justin continues his Stalking 101 course and he and Daphne head to Babylon. Brian and Michael snort some drugs in a bathroom stall and a high Michael comes onto Brian, who calls him on it but lets him off the hook. An upset Emmett realizes his “boyfriend” is a gentleman of the night. Cock of the walk Brian hits the dance floor with two hot guys, but their attention is soon drawn to shirtless twinkie Justin. Beaten at his own game, Brian caves and shoos the other men away. He and Justin kiss and dance while a grinning Daphne and a resigned Michael look on. Persistent Blake goes home with Ted and gives him GHB. This is a bad, bad idea, Ted! Ted doesn’t listen and ODs.


Episode Four

Ted lies in a coma at the hospital and aggravated Brian learns from Melanie (who is a lawyer) that he’s the executor of Ted’s living will (because Ted felt he was heartless enough to pull the plug). Justin takes a huge risk and jacks off star football player Chris Hobbs in a storage room. Justin’s mother, Jennifer, who has suspected his homosexuality, finally comes right out and asks him. Justin literally runs away from the conversation.

Michael and Emmett de-fag Ted’s apartment (clear out the porn and sex toys) before his mother comes over. They discover Ted’s photo-shrine to Michael. An upset Justin seeks out Brian again, but ends up at Debbie’s. Brian angrily rants at comatose Ted. A male nurse then gives Brian some life affirming, uh, medicine, and Ted awakens to witness it. Brian, the spring back in his step, messes around with Justin in Michael’s old room, which does not go down well with Michael. He and Debbie take Justin home.


Episode Five

Michael continues to string along his smitten co-worker Tracy. Jennifer takes Justin to a therapist because he won’t talk to her about his homosexuality. Brooding Justin explains to her that he “likes dick” in vivid detail. Jennifer regrets asking. Brian’s new advertising client is married with children, but is also a big closet case that wants to jump the line to get into Brian’s pants. Michael falls off a ladder at work, and visits an attractive chiropractor, David.

Jennifer keeps trying to connect with Justin, who runs off to Brian’s. Brian’s trick doesn’t take kindly to Justin, but Brian’s protective streak kicks in and he shows the other guy the door. He lets Justin stay on the couch. Jennifer and Debbie bond over their not-dead gay sons. Jennifer, trying very hard, takes Justin to the art gallery to hang out. He puts the “ass” in class by getting off with another guy in the bathroom while his mom waits outside. Michael and David go out on a disastrous date, while Brian tells his client to either get out of the closet or just stay in the straight world. He heads over to the lesbians’ place and tenderly bonds with his infant son, while millions of viewers squee and sigh in delight.


Episode Six

David and Michael decide to give it another go, but David soon gets into a protracted pissing contest with Brian. Ted, recovering from his OD, dates a nice, but boring guy. Justin’s artwork is displayed at an exhibit at the Gay/Lesbian Community Centre, and Jennifer comes to the opening. She sees a nude drawing of Brian, and then sees him kissing Justin, much to her shock (then she imagines them going at it, and looks like she could use some Pepto Bismal).

Ted and the boring guy try to have sex, but just can’t make it work together. Debbie takes an upset Jennifer out for a few drinks to try and make her feel better. At Babylon, Brian again comes between Michael and David. Ted sees a contrite Blake in the bathroom, who tells him he called 911 after leaving Ted to die after his OD. At his loft, Brian admires the drawing of himself that he secretly bought at the art show, while a trick gives him a blowjob. Because it’s as close as he can get to sucking his own dick.


Episode Seven

Debbie meets David, and invites him over for dinner. Michael stresses out over the fact that he seems to have acquired a boyfriend. David later invites Michael away for a country weekend, causing Michael to miss “Studs and Suds” at Babylon. Oh, the humanity! Justin gets his nipple pierced, while his mother tells his father, Craig, that he’s gay. His father pokes around in his room and finds copious evidence, while Justin is busy getting plowed by Brian.

Justin’s parents confront him about Brian and a big fight ensues. Craig finds out who Brian is, stalks him (definitely a family trait) and rear-ends his jeep. (Insert obvious joke here.) At school, Justin and Chris get into a fistfight in the locker room. The next day, Justin’s dad tells him he’s sending him away to military school, which Justin notes would get him way more ass than going to Babylon. Craig slaps him. Michael finds out David has an ex-wife and Brian and David remain at odds. Just whip them out already, boys.


Episode Eight

Michael goes for a promotion at the Big Q and becomes manager. He also continues to lead Tracy down the primrose path as the poor woman falls for him more and more. Brian continues to not be in any sort of relationship with Justin, none whatsoever! Justin’s father shows up outside Babylon and sucker punches Brian. Craig gives Justin an ultimatum, and a distraught Justin tells him he’s never going home again.

Debbie faints while working at the diner and her HIV+ brother Vic feels guilty for causing her financial strain. Justin moves in with a reluctant, but protective Brian. He also buys a new jeep, but not before driving it through a plate glass window. (Long story.)


Episode Nine

Just as Michael decides to break up with David, who runs in more sophisticated circles, the doc asks him to move in. Emmett gets addicted to cyber sex and gets an imaginary friend who teaches him to believe in himself. (No, seriously.) Melanie and Lindsay rush a sick Gus to the hospital and deal with homophobic jerks. They later ask Brian to give up his parental rights so Melanie can adopt Gus. Brian eventually decides not to, wanting to be a better father than his own.

Speaking of whom, Brian goes to see his father, Jack, an alcoholic who abused him as a child. His father basically tells him he never wanted him and doesn’t understand why Brian takes this badly. Later, a drunken Brian goes to Michael’s and lets down his guard about his father. Tears are shed. (Yep, by Brian, Mr. I Don’t Care About Anything or Anybody.)


Episode Ten

A smitten and controlling David pressures Michael to move in with him. Michael is still unsure though, since they’ve been going out for about five minutes. Justin accidentally leaves the loft unlocked and Brian is robbed. He kicks Justin out and Justin runs away to New York (using Brian’s credit card, of course). Brian (and the boys) grudgingly go on a road trip to retrieve him.

Melanie and Lindsay find parenthood is a strain on their relationship as they begin to drift apart. In “New York” (yeah, that’s totally still Toronto), Brian finds Justin at a fancy hotel and after he yells at him, they have hot sex. They all head back to Pittsburgh and Brian gets Justin ensconced in Michael’s old room at Debbie’s. Michael and David break up.


Episode Eleven

Justin gets a job at the diner so he can pay off the money he owes Brian. Emmett and Ted get tested for HIV and after an ambiguous phone call from the clinic, Emmett fears that he’s positive. He makes a deal with God, promising to change his life if he’s negative.

Debbie, (knowing that Brian’s disapproval influenced Michael’s decision to end it with David) tells Brian to allow Michael to be happy and stop leading him on. Since Michael’s 30th birthday is approaching, Brian plans a big surprise party for him at the loft. He invites Tracy and outs Michael to her. A hurt and angry Tracy lashes out at Michael. Luckily Brian has also invited David (who punches him) to pick up the pieces. Everyone, except Justin, tells Brian he’s an asshole, but we all know he was doing it for Michael’s own good. Debbie thanks him the next day. Emmett finds out he’s negative, but now has that pesky pact with God to deal with.


Episode Twelve

Brian and Michael are estranged and both missing each other. Michael moves in with David, but soon finds that his belongings are not as welcome as he is. David learns to compromise (but don’t get used to it). Brian hangs out with Ted, who lucks out by picking up Brian’s castoffs. Lindsay and Mel continue to bicker over everything from money to Brian’s presence in their lives.

Emmett, honouring his pact with God, joins “See the Light,” a group of born-again former homosexuals. At work, betrayed Tracy hands in her resignation. Michael apologizes and they agree to be friends. Justin tries to mend Brian and Michael’s fractured friendship. He succeeds and Brian and Michael dance together happily with all the pretty, half-naked boys at Babylon.


Episode Thirteen

Emmett continues to try to go straight, with the help of the self-loathers of “See the Light.” Ted and Michael attempt to talk some sense into him (with the help of well-endowed porn star Zack O’Toole), but no dice. Emmett breaks off their friendship, declaring them a bad influence.

Brian has sex with Kip, a co-worker, who then files a bogus sexual harassment suit against him. Melanie and Lindsay continue fighting. Melanie goes out and sleeps with another woman. Later, she confesses to a hurt Lindsay and moves out.


Episode Fourteen

In his quest to please God, Emmett dates a lesbian woman he meets at “See the Light.” They both try valiantly to make it work and even have horribly awkward sex. Luckily, they both realize that they’re gay, gay, GAY and they pretty much tell the bible-thumpers where to go (hint: it’s to the south). A rattled Brian turns to usual foe Melanie (still estranged from Lindsay) for legal advice as he faces the harassment suit. Her defense? Brian the manwhore wouldn’t need to pressure anyone into sex, he gets it so often. Hey, it’s the truth.

Michael lies to jealous David about hanging out with Brian. He gets busted and David eventually agrees to let Michael pick his own friends. Justin picks up Brian’s accuser at Woody’s and waits until Kip’s blowing him to casually mention that he’s underage and has a violent father. Justin successfully blackmails him into dropping the charges against Brian, but doesn’t tell Brian what he’s done. At Babylon, Justin and Brian celebrate both Justin’s 18th birthday and the mysterious (well, to Brian) end of Brian’s legal troubles.


Episode Fifteen

David’s preteen son Hank comes to visit him and a nervous Michael. Well-intentioned control-freak David micro-manages the visit, much to Hank’s displeasure, although Michael thinks he’s the problem. Eventually they all come to an understanding. Lindsay leaves Gus with Brian, who receives a rare visit from his father, Jack. He tells Brian he has cancer.

Ted hooks up with a guy who’s into S&M and has quite the dungeon adventure. Brian decides to come out to his father before Jack dies. It does not go well, to say the least. But later, Jack comes to visit and Brian tells him Gus is his son. They make peace, sort of.


Episode Sixteen

Michael, who makes much less money than David, chafes at David’s refusal to let him pay for anything. A haughty gay Frenchman moves in with Lindsay to help with finances and Lindsay plans on marrying him so he can stay in the country. Mel and Brian band together to oust him. Justin gets suspended from school after memorably telling off a homophobic teacher.

Debbie helps Justin and Daphne to form a Gay/Straight Student Alliance at school. The administration shuts them down. David takes a slightly reluctant Michael on a trip to Paris. Justin confronts classmate Chris Hobbes (who has come down to Liberty Ave. to laugh and point with his meathead friends), in front of Woody’s. Chris gets violent, but isn’t crazy enough to try and fight Brian, who comes to Justin’s side. Justin tells the assembled crowd that he jerked Chris off, and Chris prophetically vows revenge.


Episode Seventeen

Michael and David, back from Paris, plan a fundraising party for a senator. Michael, ashamed of his friends and family, doesn’t invite them. Brian informs Michael that he’s become a pretentious bore. The gang tart themselves up and crash the party, to Michael’s horror. Justin, Daphne, Debbie and the senator (among others) protest the school’s refusal to allow the G/S Alliance.

Lindsay and Frenchie prepare to wed, but Brian signs over his parental rights in a successful bid to get Melanie and Lindsay back together. An abashed Michael apologizes to Debbie for insulting her at the fundraiser. Justin and Brian continue to grow closer. Not that Brian would admit it, of course.


Episode Eighteen

Brian catches David at the baths and delightedly turns the screws on him later. Ted meets troubled Blake again and vows to help him get off crystal meth. After a hospital stay, he lets Blake move in. When Ted’s wallet goes missing, he mistakenly accuses Blake.

Justin discovers his parents are divorcing. Feeling guilty, he decides to go to Dartmouth to please the ‘rents, instead of art college. Brian and Debbie both lecture him on the extreme lameness of this decision. Brian and Justin keep on bonding (but nope, no relationship there, Brian!) and Justin decides to go for art college. David confesses his indiscretion to Michael and Michael hooks up with another guy. However, he doesn’t go through with it and he and David reconcile.


Episode Nineteen

Brian’s father dies. As usual, he takes a sail down the River Denial and acts cold and indifferent. But he lashes out at his ice queen mother, Joan, at the wake and later comes on to Michael after getting loaded. Daphne asks Justin to be her first time and he agrees. She develops feelings for him afterwards and he lets her down not so gently. Ted gets back with Blake and is determined to stick by him, despite Blake’s drug use.

Brian and Michael go to a bowling alley and knock some pins down in memory of the old bastard, while also freaking out the straight people with a PDA. Brian then rolls his father’s bowling ball down a misty, darkened street and finally breaks down crying. Michael hugs him tightly as many viewers suddenly, uh, get something in our eyes.


Episode Twenty

Ted and Blake continue to see each other and Blake struggles to stay clean and Ted struggles to trust him. Uncle Vic gets into some legal hot water after a cop sets him up in a public bathroom. Unable to get the money on a Saturday night to bail Vic out, Blake uses a connection to get the money for Debbie.

Emmett meets the “man of his dreams” and the relationship lasts for a silly two minutes. It’s time for the King of Babylon contest and Justin wins. After being dissed and dismissed by Brian earlier, he returns the favour. A jealous Brian then watches Justin have sex with another guy in the backroom. Ah, caught in his own tangled web! But the next morning, Brian and Justin make eyes at each other in the diner, and all is well.


Episode Twenty-one

Brian wins a prestigious advertising award and is wooed by a New York agency. Vic decides not to contest his indecency charge, but is convinced to fight the good fight by Emmett. Justin has an emotional hissy fit regarding Brian moving to New York. Brian tells Justin to forget about him, yet still hugs him tenderly and wipes away his tears. Because he cares about him, no matter what he might like to believe.

Ted gets Blake a job with Melanie’s law firm, but later finds drugs in his pocket. David goes to visit his son Hank in Portland and calls Michael for some phone sex. When he gets home, he tells Michael that he’s moving to Portland to be close to his son. He asks Michael to come with him. Brian gets ditched by the New York agency and is bitterly disappointed. He tells Michael to go to Portland. The bogus charges against Vic are dropped, thanks to Melanie, the legal eagle.


Episode Twenty-two

Brian turns the big 3-0 and doesn’t take it gracefully. Michael and David get ready to move to Portland. Ted has to deal with Blake’s continued drug use and takes him to rehab. Blake skips out, however. Justin asks an incredulous Brian to come to the prom to flip the school the bird, but he flatly refuses. Justin and Daphne make up (they haven’t been talking because of the weirdness after they had sex) and decide to go to the prom together. At Michael’s farewell party, he and David fight about Michael’s perceived role as a trophy wife and Michael’s move to Portland is left in limbo. Brian decides to get loaded and try autoerotic scarfing as a birthday present to himself, but Michael finds him and stops him. They fight and Michael tells Brian to grow up already and stop using that loser Kurt Cobain as a role model.

Brian saddles up his white horse and goes to the prom. He and Justin take a ridiculously romantic spin around the cleared dance floor to “Save the Last Dance.” Everyone not made of stone melts into a puddle of goo. Meanwhile, Michael rushes to the airport to go to Portland after all. A deliriously happy Justin goes to the parking garage with an also happy Brian. After they kiss and promise to meet later, Brian watches Justin walk away in the side mirror of his Jeep. Suddenly, Chris Hobbes appears behind Justin with a baseball bat. Brian races to stop him, but it’s too late and Chris bashes Justin in the head with a sickening crack. Brian is horrified and cradles Justin’s motionless, limp body. Michael, about to board his plane, gets the call from Brian. He meets him at the hospital, where a blood-covered Brian cries in anguish.

 

 

Season Two

Episode One

Six weeks after the prom, Michael returns from Portland (having broken up with Dr. Dave). He finds a guilt-stricken Brian drinking, drugging, and sexing himself into oblivion in a futile attempt to forget the bashing. Never one to handle anything in a healthy manner, Brian wears the bloody silk scarf from the prom under his shirts, and watches Justin sleeping at the hospital every night. Meanwhile, a recovering Justin wonders why Brian doesn’t visit. When Justin finally gets out of the hospital, he heads to Woody’s to find Brian, despite suffering from Post-traumatic Stress Disorder (he’s not so good in crowds). Brian takes a shaken Justin to the loft and tells him about what happened at the prom. Justin reassures him that it wasn’t his fault, but Brian’s not ready to take off the hair shirt just yet. Later, Justin’s mother tells Brian to stay away from Justin.

Melanie and Lindsay bring beards Ted and Emmett to Lindsay’s sister’s wedding, because apparently it would just be scandalous for two women to attend a wedding without men. I’ll see your “what” and raise you an “ever.” Lindsay ends up proposing to Mel in front of everyone, horrifying her family. Mel later tells her that she has no interest in partaking in the straight ritual of marriage. A homophobic judge lets Chris Hobbs off with just community service for the attack on Justin, and Brian takes some ridiculous revenge by gluing the judge to a toilet seat. Oh, how I wish I were making that part up.


Episode Two

Ted is fired for surfing porn at work. Michael and Emmett unwittingly take jobs as naked waiters and later Michael returns to the Big Q. Traumatized Justin struggles with nightmares and is unable to be touched. When he lashes out at his mother, she turns to Brian for help. Justin moves in with Brian, but can’t have sex with him. Since this is a first, a stymied Brian goes to a psychologist acquaintance. Sadly, the shrink doesn’t strap Brian down and force him into therapy, but he does advise him to help Justin remember the events of the prom so he can work past them.

With Daphne’s help, Brian reenacts his dance with Justin at the prom, but Justin still can’t remember. Gus turns a year old, and at the party Justin has memory flashbacks and a panic attack after seeing a plastic baseball bat. Melanie, realizing how much it means to Linds, asks her to marry her. Brian and Justin talk about the bashing again back at the loft, and they tenderly make love on the anniversary of their first time. I reach for a Kleenex. (To wipe away a tear, you sickos!)


Episode Three

A new TV show called “Gay as Blazes” premieres, depicting politically correct, boring characters who aren’t all about sex. (Unlike QAF, of course. It’s all very meta and not as funny or clever as Cowlip think.) Brian is to receive an award for courage at the Gay and Lesbian Center for saving Justin’s life after the bashing. Some people are not happy about this, including the uptight organizers, Brian himself, and a pompous author in town to pick up his own award. The author writes a column attacking Brian, and at his book signing, Justin gives him an earful of bitch-ass (tm queenofalostart).

Justin gets used to walking in crowds again, with Brian’s help. Emmett takes a job as a housekeeper for a seemingly perfect gay couple and ends up blowing both of them after they each come onto him. He quits, disillusioned. Brian upsets Michael, who feels they are growing apart, by standing him up for a comic convention. He makes it up to him the next day by skipping the awards dinner and going to the convention instead.


Episode Four

It’s Pride Week in Pittsburgh. Emmett is saddened by the death of a drag queen we’ve never met nor heard of before, so he’s really the only one who cares. Michael refuses to march with Debbie and her PFLAG group in the parade, afraid of being outted to co-workers. He goes in drag and ends up kissing his asshole boss. Justin sees Chris Hobbs at an AIDS hospice, doing his community service. Chris is as unrepentant and as homophobic as always. Brian later comforts an upset Justin.

Melanie’s ex Leda comes to town and shakes things up between Mel and Lindsay. Brian rebrands an alcoholic cooler as “Pool Boy” and markets it to the gay community, much to the horror of its conservative, homophobic owner. Yep, Brian’s sticking it to The Man again, as it were. Ted is the unwitting recipient of the Pride Pity Fuck (from a really hot guy), much to his initial pleasure and eventual horror. A reluctant Justin marches with his mom in the parade and is happy that he did. That night, Justin leaves Brian to his tricking – but Brian catches up to him in front of Woody’s and asks him to dance, promising Justin won’t forget it this time. Awww. (Yes, I’m a hopeless romantic, shut up.)


Episode Five

Ted sinks into a funk due to his unemployment and spends all his time masturbating. Brian takes the matter in hand (no, not like that) and gets Ted a job at the agency. But Ted soon realizes that he hates being an accountant and quits to start his own porn website. Everyone has to have a dream, right? Michael decides to follow his and quits the Big Q to take over a comic book store.

Justin, discouraged by the loss of fine motor skills in his right hand (a fate Ted narrowly avoided, one suspects), quits art school. He takes a page out of Brian’s book and starts drinking and drugging and acting like a prick. Brian buys him a high-tech computer that can help him draw, and with Lindsay’s encouragement, Justin eventually goes back to school and stops being such a drama queen.


Episode Six

Emmett helps Ted’s fledgling porn site, “Jerk at Work” get off the ground by becoming his biggest star. Meanwhile, Lindsay gets a big stick up her ass about pornography and the gang’s general obsession with sex. What is she, new here? Mel confesses that she once posed nude for a magazine, and Lindsay eventually comes around on the issue. Ahem.

Michael meets a hot professor named Ben who wants him to do a guest lecture on homoeroticism in comic books. A nervous Michael skips out on his first gig, but eventually does the lecture and is a big hit. Later they start getting busy and Ben reveals he’s HIV positive. Justin wonders if he’s only living with Brian because of Brian’s guilt over the bashing. Brian, as usual, can’t express his feelings, and Justin goes back to live with Debbie. Debbie takes Brian to task and encourages him to have some balls and admit that he loves Justin. He exhales sharply and says nothing. (Which means “yes, I love him” in Brian-speak.) Brian finds Justin at Babylon and asks him to come home. They establish ground rules about tricking (no names or numbers; no repeat tricks; no kissing on the mouth; always home by 3am), and kiss and make up.


Episode Seven

Michael decides to continue seeing Ben, despite the objections of the boys and Debbie, who acts like a big ol’ hypocrite. (She worries about Michael getting sick, obviously.) Vic tries to set her straight. Justin asks Brian to do him without a condom, and Brian lectures him on never, ever, ever doing that. He says he “wants him around for a long time.” Awww. (I know, I know. I can’t help it!)

Mel and Lindsay struggle to find enough money for their wedding, but Lindsay’s parents refuse to help because they’re homophobic assclowns. Lindsay ends up bitching her parents out after they blow off a brunch planned for them (which is livened up by the gang and some E-spiked punch), and realizes that she can’t keep looking for their approval. Emmett starts getting a lot of attention because of the website, and he starts making some star demands on Ted. They argue, but eventually Ted treats Emmett right and he comes back. Michael and Ben are about to have sex, and Michael decides he can’t.


Episode Eight

Michael tries to forget Ben by getting back into the dating scene, with little success. He runs into Ben later and belatedly realizes Ben is the one he wants (cue the Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta). Emmett has a secret admirer because of his work on Ted’s website, and he’s very surprised to discover the man (known to most Canadians as “hey, it’s that guy from Traders”) is in his ‘60s. George, a pickle millionaire, woos Emmett, who is surprised to find himself enjoying George’s company.

Jennifer and Brian try to convince Justin to find more friends his own age, and he reluctantly goes to Daphne’s college party. There he quickly finds the requisite cute gay virgin, and takes care of that virginity toute suite. The love-struck kid finds Justin the next day at the diner, and Justin plays the role of early season-one Brian Kinney and smashes the kid’s heart into a million pieces. Later, Brian and Justin troll Babylon for someone to trick with, but then decide to go home, just the two of them. They kiss sweetly. While a really romantic torch song plays. Awwww. (I’m not made of anything resembling stone, people.)


Episode Nine

Michael fights to win back Ben’s affections, and proves to him that he can handle Ben’s HIV pos status. However, Debbie still acts like a complete bitch about it and refuses to approve of Ben and Michael’s relationship. Michael tells her to shove it. Ted takes Viagra and is left with a hard-on he can’t get rid of. The less said about that, the better.

Brian reluctantly goes to church with his estranged mother and realizes that he’s plowed the minister. He keeps the man’s secret, though. However, Brian’s secret is finally out of the bag when his mother stops by the loft unexpectedly, interrupting Brian and Justin’s sex session. Joan has come over to reconnect with her son, but when Justin emerges from the bedroom, she realizes the shocking truth. Upset, she tells Brian he’s going to hell. Later, he goes to church to talk to her, but they argue and don’t really come to any understanding.


Episode Ten

Michael mourns the death of his comic hero Captain Astro. Mel and Lindsay fight over the cost of their upcoming nuptials. Emmett and George continue dating and Emmett finds himself falling deeper and deeper, despite their differences in lifestyle. George takes Emmett to the opera, much to the horror of his ex-wife. Debbie finds the body of a young man in the dumpster behind the diner. Sparks fly between her and the detective in charge, Horvath.

Mel and Lindsay discover old love letters belonging to Lindsay’s grandmother. Turns out Granny was a dyke, too, and had her heart broken by her true love. Mel, feeling quixotic, agrees to an expensive wedding. In light of Dumpster Boy’s murder, Justin worries about the danger of going off with unknown tricks. Brian, however, thinks the danger is enticing, and somewhat convinces Justin during a rilly, rilly hot sex scene. But Justin still worries when Brian leaves Babylon with an unknown trick.


Episode Eleven

Lindsay and Melanie’s wedding approaches, but everything’s turning out to be a disaster and all their plans are falling through. Speaking of disasters, Vic’s new job cooking at the diner doesn’t go well. Brian wins tickets to the White Party in Miami. He decides to go and skip the wedding, which makes Justin pout quite a lot. Of course, Brian buys Justin a ticket to come with him and Justin turns that frown upside down.

Mel and Lindsay call their wedding off, but Brian saves the day (as usual) and galvanizes the gang into action. They get everything organized in time for a lovely ceremony and reception at George’s mansion. At the last minute, Justin decides to stay for the wedding. Brian tries to give his plane tickets to Mel and Linds for a wedding present, but Lindsay convinces him to go. At the White Party, Brian catches the bouquet thrown by a drag queen performing in a wedding dress. So, clearly, he and Justin are fated to walk down the aisle one day. (What? Stop looking at me like that.)


Episode Twelve

Michael finds out that Ben and Brian once slept together. He does not take it well. Brian calls him on it and kisses Michael for real to prove a point. Thankfully, Michael finally gets Brian out of his system, kinda sorta. Debbie is upset about the lack of investigation into Dumpster Boy’s murder. She and Horvath lock horns again, and more sparks go a-flyin’. Jennifer and Justin help Debbie create flyers to find out more info on the murder victim. Ted gets invited to a party with Pittsburgh’s elite. But Ted soon realizes that his new friends just want him to pimp out his hot employees.


Episode Thirteen

A famous drag queen returns to Pittsburgh and it turns out (s)he dated Debbie in high school and bears a striking resemblance to Michael. I’m sure you can see where this is going. She’s Michael’s real father, and Debbie is once again revealed as a huge hypocrite by being ashamed of it. Justin’s asshat dad refuses to continue paying for his tuition. Brian offers to pay, of course, but Justin refuses. He gets a job go-go dancing at Babylon from the sleazy manager. Oh, that should turn out well.

Lindsay and Mel try to get Gus into an elite preschool and assume it’s homophobia keeping him out. They ask Brian to pretend to be Lindsay’s husband for an interview at another school, and Brian is guilted into it. But the school takes a kid with same-sex parents and Lindsay and Melanie realize they’re being idiots, and that they shouldn’t lie about who they are. One to grow on, y’all.


Episode Fourteen

After letting the icky boss blow him to get the best dancing spot on the bar, Justin starts making money hand over fist. And what with the staying up until all hours and doing lots of drugs, he starts slacking off on his homework and classes. Brian worries, but Justin doesn’t see the irony in working to pay for classes that he’s no longer attending. Brian offers to pay the tuition again, this time as a loan. Justin refuses. Later, he goes to a party thrown by the sleazoid manager, and narrowly escapes getting gang banged after he does way too many drugs. He doesn’t tell Brian, but quits Babylon and takes Brian’s offer of a loan, with interest. Then we see him top Brian for the first time. Awwww. (Sorry, that’s the last time, I swear!)

Debbie is still acting like a complete cunt to Ben because she disapproves of him dating Michael. She’s seriously on my last damn nerve, yo. Prickly but well-meaning Detective Horvath asks her out on a date and eventually she comes around, with Vic’s prodding. Michael acts like a total jackass and disapproves. Apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, eh? Michael, Ted and Brian end up in jail because Michael mouths off to a cop and Horvath helps them out. George offers to take Emmett on an around-the-world trip. A delighted Emmett agrees, but their attempt to join the Mile High Club on the plane turns tragic when George suffers a fatal heart attack during sex.


Episode Fifteen

Michael and Justin team up to work on a gay comic book. Brian gets jealous of their newfound friendship, acts like a big baby, and literally pisses on their work. Michael and Justin understandably freak out. Brian apologizes, but they are unmoved until he admits he was jealous and immature. See Brian grow. Grow, Brian, grow!

George’s dragon lady ex-wife bars Emmett from speaking at George’s funeral, but as a consolation, he gets a nomination at the Gay Porn Awards. To Ted’s disappointment, Emmett’s too busy grieving to give a shit. Emmett wins the award and uses his speech to eulogize George. Mel and Lindsay’s attempt to renovate their attic themselves is a disaster, so Leda agrees to do it if she can crash on their couch for a while. Hmm, is that a threesome I’m sensing in the near future?


Episode Sixteen

The writers decide that Brian no longer believes in birthdays, despite evidence to the contrary from season one. First he ignores Justin’s, and then gets him a hustler as a gift. Not really the hearts and flowers Justin was looking for, there, Mr. Romance. Mel and Linds take Justin to a violin recital and he meets a cute, smooth-talking violin prodigy named Ethan. Justin is a smitten kitten.

Michael plans a surprise party for Ben, but Ben finally shows a chink in the armour and has a hissy fit. Debbie, of course, takes the opportunity to say “I told you so.” Grrr. Turns out Ben just found out his viral load is up, and he’s terrified. Ted starts going to a very sparkly church where they sing religious show tunes. He meets a nice, cute guy who is pretty much a saint. Cute guy tries to accept Ted’s porn business, but in the end, he can’t. Poor Teddy.


Episode Seventeen

Emmett learns he has inherited millions from George. However, George’s family contests the will and freezes Emmett’s account. Lindsay and Melanie find their sex life isn’t what it used to be. Leda changes all that with the well-timed and not-unexpected threesome.

Brian and Justin plan a week away in Vermont. However, Brian’s boss sells the agency to Gardner Vance, who tells Brian he has a week to prove he shouldn’t be fired. Brian can’t go away and he and Justin fight. Brian succeeds in keeping his job and also becomes partner. Excited, in a manner not unlike a puppy, he tries to find Justin to celebrate, but learns that he went to Vermont without him. No Kibbles ‘n’ Bits for Brian tonight.


Episode Eighteen

Ben is hospitalized, and Debbie finally stops being a bitch on wheels and accepts that Michael loves him. Michael refuses to admit how upset he is about Ben’s condition, but finally breaks down and is comforted by Brian. George’s family offers Emmett a million dollars, but he must sign a document saying he and George never had a relationship. Emmett refuses because he’s clinically insane.

Justin starts spending more time with romantic, bohemian Ethan, who is everything Brian is not. Justin tries to get Brian to do candlelit dinners and the like, but Brian’s not having it. Le sigh. Must you learn everything the hard way, Kinney? Justin and Ethan start an affair.


Episode Nineteen

Mel and Lindsay, their sex life revitalized, ask Leda to leave once the attic is finished. She does, reluctantly. Ted becomes immune to porn after being around it so much running his website. Oh, the humanity! Brian learns that Ted’s fantasy is to be him for a night, and he lends him his loft and arranges an orgy. And they say he doesn’t care about his friends! But Ted finds the experience ultimately empty and later he begins to realize he has feelings for Emmett. Meanwhile, Ben recovers well from his health scare, but Michael is overprotective.

Horvath and Debbie continue dating, but friction arises when his cop friends make homophobic comments. A bowling showdown ensues, cops vs. the queers. It’s not exactly the Rumble in the Jungle, but the cops win by a hair. Michael discovers Justin’s affair with Ethan and tells Brian. Brian feigns indifference, but then begins to turn the screws on Justin by playing mind games with him.


Episode Twenty

Michael and Justin’s comic, Rage (which revolves around superhero characters based on Brian, Justin and Michael), is set to debut with an extravagant party at Babylon, thrown by Brian. Ben tells Michael he’s going away for six months to a Tibetan monastery, but ultimately decides to stay with Michael. Ted tells Emmett that he’s in love with him, and after first refusing him, Emmett then kisses Ted at the party.

Brian continues the mind games with Justin by approaching Ethan to offer him a commercial spot. He then “introduces” him to Justin. So. Evil. Whee! A furious Ethan tells Justin to go back to Brian and leave him alone with his violin (no, not like that). Justin finds out that Michael told Brian about his affair, and ends their friendship. Ethan shows up at the party and Justin leaves with him after becoming thoroughly disillusioned with Brian, who conceals his emotions beneath his usual mask (with a literal one thrown on for good measure). Sniff! Will Brian and Justin ever reconcile? Will I ever “Awww” again? Stay tuned!

 

Season Three

Episode One

Justin beings scrawling “Justin+Ethan=4eva!” on all his notebooks, while Brian feigns indifference. The future of Rage is up in the air due to Justin and Michael’s extreme pissiness with each other. Michael tells Brian that he should have just left Justin to die after the bashing and Brian understandably punches his lights out. Everyone hates on Brian, but he doesn’t reveal Mikey’s nasty streak.

Ben, apartmentless, moves in with Michael and Emmett. Ted and Emmett officially become Temmett, although their sex life initially leaves something to be desired. Is it the complete lack of romantic chemistry, perhaps? A forlorn Brian, all alone in the loft o’ lost love, orders a Justin lookalike from Hustlers ‘R’ Us.


Episode Two

Temmett is on thin ice already as Emmett cheats with an allegedly hunky flight attendant. Brian, who still doesn’t care at all about Justin leaving, starts monopolizing Michael’s time to try and alleviate his gut-wrenching loneliness, er, boredom. Ben is not a happy camper.

Justin, still glowing from his newfound romance, prepares to drop out of school due to lack of funds. He meets with his assclown father, who still won’t pay for art school. Brian pays the tuition, insisting that their loan agreement still stands. Mel tells Lindsay that she wants another baby, and Lindz tells her to have it her own damn self. Due to Brian’s prodding, Michael and Justin agree to work together on Rage, despite their antipathy for each other.


Episode Three

Debbie, feeling a bit rusty in the bedroom, consults Temmett for sex advice before her big date with Detective Horvath. Unfortunately, Debbie’s newfound skillz lead Horvath to inadvertently call her a big h00r. After Ben’s former lover (who infected him with HIV) dies, he worries about his mortality and tries steroids to improve his health. Your logic does not resemble our earth logic, Ben.

Brian helps the GLC plan a raunchy fundraiser, for a price that goes “Vroom, vroom!” He enlists Justin’s help in creating posters, much to Ethan’s chagrin. Mel’s fertility problem is magically cured, and she decides to get pregnant. Brian refuses to donate for “smelly Melly”, then changes his mind. Mel decides to go with another father, so neener, neener.


Episode Four

Mel and Lindz work on the list of contenders to father their baby. They finally decide on Michael, who insists on retaining his paternal rights. Ben, jealous because he can’t have kids and still reeling from the death of his ex, becomes even more of a gym rat than before. He also starts sticking strange things in his butt. (Needles full of steroids, to be exact.) Emmett moves in with Ted, and then glitzes up his condo and makes himself right at home, much to Ted’s displeasure.

Brian gets stuck babysitting “the spawn of satan” (a.k.a. his brat of a nephew), who steals from him and then accuses him of sexual abuse. Brian’s mother and sister believe the worst of him, of course. Justin plays Nancy Drew and exposes Spawn’s lies in a jiffy, then reluctantly returns to his boyfriend instead of jumping Brian’s bones.


Episode Five

Despite some initial trouble, Michael is finally able to cough up (so to speak) a sperm sample for Mel and Lindz. After a prestigious music competition, Ethan is offered a contract, with a catch – he has to pretend to be straight. Noble Ethan refuses, but changes his mind after Brian plays him like a violin. After busting out of the closet with a chainsaw, Justin is not happy about the prospect of going back in.

Brian and Gardner Vance win prestigious new client Jim Stockwell, the police chief who is running for mayor. Too bad he’s a right wing, homophobic fuck. The gang is not impressed with Mr. Kinney. Ben’s temper grows increasingly short, and he continues to use steroids and spend an ungodly amount of time at the gym. After much bickering, Temmett buy their dream house.


Episode Six

Ben continues sticking needles in his shapely rear end and suffers from ‘roid rage, making Michael worry. Ethan gives Justin a commitment ring and performs his first concert, which Justin can’t attend due to their new closeted lifestyle. Daphne gives Justin a piece of her mind on the subject. Stockwell targets the gay community and Brian continues helping, insisting that bidness is bidness.

Brian tries to talk to No-so Gentle Ben about the steroids, with painful results. Ben and Michael argue bitterly and Michael’s negative status becomes an issue. Emmett and Ted move into their new house, just in time for Ted to be arrested in front of their new Stepford neighbours (because of his porn site). Justin secretly attends Ethan’s concert. He begins to realize that their totally awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111 romance is not all it’s cracked up to be after seeing Ethan pick up another guy.


Episode Seven

Ted is in serious legal trouble and asks Brian to use his connection with Stockwell to have the charges dropped. Brian refuses, but later can’t resist Emmett’s pleas for help and fixes the situation. Ted loses his business and house, but still has Emmett. Stockwell pledges to clean up Liberty Ave., and Brian begins to suspect that his deal with the devil may come at too high a price after all. Michael’s boys turn out to be swimmers, as Mel reveals that she’s knocked up.

Vic finally gets a boyfriend, Rodney. Yay! Ethan turns out to be impressively manipulative and Justin feels bad for suspecting him of cheating. But later, Ethan, pants ablaze, is busted when his new admirer shows up at the apartment. The bloom is definitely off the rose for Justin, and he calls it quits. Michael and juice pig Ben continue to argue, and Michael considers infecting himself to bring them closer. This luckily shocks Ben back to reality and he stops using steroids.


Episode Eight

Lindsay makes a splash at her new art gallery job. Justin is instantly over Ethan and what Brian calls “the love that was going to last for an eternity.” Hee. Justin quickly returns to form and obsesses over La Kinney once more. He gets an internship at the agency for ease of stalking. Ted throws his back out and begins taking pain meds.

Emmett helps Lindsay plan a gallery party and starts a new catering business. A group of underage hustlers set up shop outside Ben and Michael’s apartment, much to their annoyance and horror. Ben and a reluctant Michael help out Hunter, one of the street kids. Brian can’t resist Justin’s charms and they get back together. ::happy sigh::


Episode Nine

“The most historic reunification since Germany” continues going strong as Justin and Brian moon at each other every chance they get. When he can’t get a job, Ted slides down the slippery slope into depression and drinking his face off. Brian hot tubs with Stockwell, who reveals a surprising side of himself. No, not like that that, he’s just insecure about his ability to be mayor. Later, his crusade to make the Pitts “family friendly” again leads to the shut down of Woody’s.

Lindsay pressures Melanie into cutting back more at work, and Mel faces losing control of a landmark case. Debbie spearheads a protest at police headquarters against Stockwell, which leads to a break-up with Horvath, who won’t support her cause to the detriment of his own career. Stockwell finds out Brian is gay, and fires him. Brian convinces him that the best way to combat the bad press is to have an openly gay advisor.


Episode Ten

Hunter the Hustler reappears after landing in the hospital and giving Ben’s name as next of kin. Ben learns that Hunter’s HIV+ and feels a responsibility to help him. Ted’s depression grows and he attends a drug-fuelled sex party. That slippery slope just got a whole lot dicier. Since pregnant women are delicate flowers who can’t do more than fan themselves and drink iced tea, Michael begins stalking Melanie to make sure she’s not overexerting herself.

Pittsburgh’s bathhouses get closed down and Justin decides to start a guerilla poster campaign against Stockwell, much to Brian’s annoyance. He works overtime to convince himself that helping Stockwell is just about business. Then, the backroom at Babylon gets shut down. Well, slap his ass and call him Sally, but there’s only so much Brian Kinney will take! He’ll put up with a lot for the almighty dollar, but shutting down the backroom is a bridge too far.


Episode Eleven

Brian orchestrates a disastrous appearance for Stockwell at the GLC that exposes the police’s lack of success in solving crimes against the gay community, including Dumpster Boy’s murder. Vance fires Brian’s ass after he and Stockwell make an ill-timed visit to the loft that reveals Brian’s involvement with the propaganda posters (and with Justin, who spoke up at the GLC meeting). Ted completes his descent into complete drug addiction and hits a real low when he steals Gus’s college fund to go to the White Party in Miami. Niiice, Teddy. Poor Emmett frets.

Ben and Michael search for Hunter to tell him that he’s positive. The fatalistic teen takes the news with a shrug and tries to keep up his cool façade. Ben convinces him to get off the street and stay with him and Michael. Michael isn’t exactly thrilled. Debbie tells Brian that she’s never been prouder of him and he calls her “mom.” Aww. Brian takes back the night and sledgehammers open the backroom at Babylon.


Episode Twelve

The backroom is closed again, and something must be done! Hunter hits on Brian at every opportunity and also makes himself right at home at Michael and Ben’s place, where they catch him with a trick. Mel and Lindz try to make Emmett see that Ted is a drug addict and needs help, but Emmett heads to port and hops on a ship down that old familiar river called Denial.

Hunter tells Debbie that Dumpster Boy was picked up by a cop the night he died, and Debbie tries to get Horvath to help. When he won’t, she turns to Brian, who is talked into helping by Justin. Brian and Hunter play Hardy Boys to Justin’s Nancy Drew, and Hunter puts himself in danger to get the cop’s DNA.


Episode Thirteen

Ted continues to find new levels to sink to, and tries to bring Emmett down with him. Hunter tells Brian that he screwed the cop (who is connected to Stockwell) and collected a condom full of DNA. The Professor and Mary Ann are most unhappy with this turn of events and tell Hunter that he’s going back to school and is not to hustle ever, ever again! He comes around and is touched when they throw him a 16th birthday party.

Justin gets low marks on his internship from Vance (what with the political sabotage and fucking his boss Brian), and is told he must apologize to Stockwell. He refuses, and gets suspended. When Horvath still won’t help, Brian solves the Dumpster Boy case. Turns out the killer was Stockwell’s old partner, and Stockwell covered up the murder. Ruh roh! The killer commits suicide before justice can be served. A tweaked-out Ted paraphrases Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful” and tells Emmett to love him, or leave him. Also, Brian actually admits Justin’s his boyfriend. Satan pulls his robe tighter to ward off the sudden chill.


Episode Fourteen

Stockwell has successfully turned the happy land of Oz, formerly known as Liberty Ave., into crappy old Kansas. Brian spends all his money on anti-Stockwell TV commercials that expose his role in Dumpster Boy’s murder. Yep, Brian finally believes in something, besides hedonism. Michelle Clunie eats a sandwich to give the impression of Mel’s pregnancy starting to show. She and Lindz celebrate making it through her first trimester.

Just when you think he can’t go any lower, Ted blasts away the bedrock. Luckily, after seeing a video of himself getting gang banged whilst completely high, he checks into rehab. He’s surprised to find his ex Blake there working as a counselor. Hunter’s mother surfaces, trying to regain custody. Hunter spazzes out and reveals that his mom pimped him out when he was a kid. Hunter’s mother calls the police to get him back, and he and Michael borrow Brian’s car to go on the run. Stockwell loses the election and there’s swinging, swaying, records playing, and dancing in the streets. Brian and Justin snuggle and all is well in Gayopolis. Until next season, that is.

 

Disclaimer:

I don't own Brian and Justin, Queer as Folk and all the characters, artwork, photos, and trademarks are the property of Cowlip, Showtime, etc. No copyright infringement is intended nor implied.